Tag Archives: counselling

Learning new things

Joining an art class for the first time this year, I was looking forward to learning some new techniques. I was also hoping for connections with others and to sharing the enjoyment of drawing and painting. And I did, I got the chance to practise using some different materials, I got some great guidance from the teacher, and at the end of the semester I had a little collection of artwork I had made. Being in the group was also a lovely experience: we were all there with the same purpose in mind, and the teacher created a warm atmosphere where we thoughtfully complimented each others’ work. The feeling I got near the end of each class when we would all bring our pictures together was joy – look at what we have all done, how fabulous we all are!

What I also got was an insight into a whole host of other stuff: vulnerability, perfectionism and comparison for starters. It turned out that an art class was a great place to learn more about myself, as I had the time and space to be able to really notice my feelings.

The things that came up for me are areas that many of us struggle with, and I wonder whether you might have places in your life where you could explore your understanding of yourself – just as I did in my art class.

Vulnerability

I guess that we all know that we are supposed to be vulnerable – if we embrace and share our vulnerability, then our relationships (and everything!), will benefit. If we need reminding of this, check out Brene Brown:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

But actually being vulnerable is hard for most of us, however much we want it. It feels scary to be vulnerable – to let others see ourselves as we are, which might even include to let others see us failing.

At art class, one week I arrived late, and had to sit inside the main circle of easels, where everyone could see what I was doing. I had a couple of hours to fully experience the vulnerability of making mistakes, there was no hiding. Perhaps you can imagine yourself in a similar setting, somewhere safe, where you do feel quite free from judgment: what’s it like? I wonder what your first urge is? Do you try and find a way out? Do you try and hide yourself somehow? And if, or when, you give in to feeling vulnerable, and you accept that others are going to see you, what exactly is vulnerability for you? Maybe after a while, you might notice yourself soften and perhaps it might be ok for others to see what you are actually doing, and to share with them that it feels uncomfortable to do this.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a really painful condition – when everything you do feels like it needs to be perfect, and if it isn’t, it’s not worth anything – and neither are you. It comes with an awful lot of pressure – to get things not just right, but perfect. Starting something new can feel impossible, because what if you get it wrong? What if you can’t do it perfectly?

One way to break out of perfectionism is to practice not achieving perfection, while giving ourselves absolutely loads of self compassion. If we can reassure ourselves that we are still worthy, regardless of the quality of our output, maybe we can let go of the anxiety around what we produce, and enjoy the process instead.

At art class, each week I had to tolerate the fact that no matter how hard I worked, my picture was not really going to look like the thing I was drawing or painting. My picture might have other qualities, but it was always going to be a long way from perfect. Could you imagine yourself spending time doing something you enjoy, but you aren’t very good at (yet)? How would it feel? What would you need to say to yourself to allow yourself to relax? What kind words would you need inside to help you stay in the moment of enjoyment?

Comparison

Comparing ourselves with others rarely feels good. Are we judging them, or ourselves? Are we comparing to make ourselves feel better or worse? Why does our ranking amongst others mean more than our own ranking of ourselves?

At art class, each week, when we brought our pictures together, the first thing I noticed myself checking for was whether mine was the worst. I wanted to make myself feel better by finding someone ‘worse’ than me – even though I couldn’t tell you what that meant. Have you been in a situation like this, and have you been able to reassure yourself? What kind words do you need to say to yourself in order to feel proud of your output, regardless of what anyone else has produced?

Next steps

Sometimes we become aware that these themes are really impacting our lives. If we daren’t be vulnerable, we risk not being able to connect with others or ask for help. If everything we do has to be perfect, we are setting ourselves up for anxiety and failure. If we are always looking at others to see how we are doing, we might not have our own self confidence.

Understanding the impact of these themes on us is a great starting point, and from there we might work on what we would rather do instead. We might also feel that we need to understand the root of these feelings in ourselves – why is it so risky to show our real selves? who told us we are only worthy if we are perfect? how come we don’t have our own confidence in ourselves?

Starting working with a counsellor means that you can explore both the causes and the effects, and also practice a way out. A counsellor will be able to help you talk about these feelings and together you can work out what’s going on, and with understanding often comes change.

Books (by me) that might help

I self-published a couple of books in the last year or so, but have been reluctant to actually advertise them, even though I have had good feedback about them. I am finally challenging myself to be brave, and so here I am, sharing information about the books and how you can buy them.

My Therapy Pages:

This is a book to support your therapy journey, by offering sets of prompts for you to answer at each stage of your therapy. Doing this means that you can record and reflect on what happens in your therapy, helping you make the most of the therapy even when you aren’t in session.
Part One: this is for before you start therapy, and guides you through finding the best therapist for you.
Part Two: this is for your actual therapy. There are pages for before and after each of your sessions, up to 12 sessions. Then you review your progress after 6, 8 and 10 sessions, and at the end of the 12th session, review the journey as a whole.
Part Three: these pages are specially to help you when something goes wrong in the therapy relationship, and help you explore how you typically repair relationship difficulties.
Additionally, each page comes with a ‘How To’ guide. These give you some ways you can answer the prompts and questions, and guide you on what to think about. There is also plenty of empty space for you to use to express yourself more freely. You might like to draw your feelings, or your therapist!

At Least Ten:

This book gives you loads of prompts where you to list At Least Ten positive things – for example, things you are good at, times you felt great, or compliments you received. Each list is something positive, to help remind you of your experiences, talents and value. You’ll remember how wonderful and unique you are.

‘At Least Ten’ is a book for you to use, and then to come back to. At first it might be hard to list ten, but as time goes on, and thinking positively about yourself comes more easily, you can return to the book and add to your lists. Self compassion isn’t a natural habit for a lot of us, and ‘At Least Ten’ is here to help you develop your self compassion skills. Along the way, look out for increasing feelings of self esteem and self worth.

If you’re someone who enjoys journaling but who sometimes gets stuck with where to go next, try ‘At Least Ten’ to help you. If you know someone who seems to struggle with understanding how wonderful they are, ‘At Least Ten’ might be a great gift that could help them remember.

A.I. Therapist vs Human Therapist

Artificial Intelligence (AI) seems to be constantly in the news – and AI for therapy is popping up in my newsfeed regularly. I’m interested in AI, which for me includes wondering about how it might replace me, a therapist, and what a human therapist can offer that an AI can’t. Thus, this article – what is the difference between an AI and a human therapist?

Firstly, they work in quite different ways:

Human brains are complex and intuitive, capable of understanding subtle emotional cues, body language, and tone. We process emotions through a network of interconnected neurons, and our brains are wired to seek out empathy and understanding from others. When we talk to a person, we typically pick up on not just the words they say, but the energy, intent, and emotional undercurrents behind those words.

AI, on the other hand, works by recognizing patterns in data. While it can be programmed to understand the words we use and even respond with what seems like empathy, it lacks any true emotional awareness. AI doesn’t feel anything—it simply processes information and applies algorithms to predict what response would be ‘best’ based on previous interactions. It can’t read between the lines or intuitively grasp the underlying emotional context of a conversation.

There are a lot of different apps and websites where you can type or talk about what’s going on, and get feedback from an AI. The AI might give you strategies and techniques, and some offer an element of coaching as well. Typically you chat to it, typing or dictating – just like you might already chat to ChatGPT. If you are going to use an AI therapist, do check out the privacy and data collection policies, and maybe do a bit of research first so you know what you are getting into.

Most AI therapists you do have to pay for, but some are free, or are free for a limited period. I had a quick go on three that popped up when I did a google search for AI therapist:

https://www.freeaitherapist.com/ : you can type or dictate about how you are feeling, and the AI Therapist will respond – I tried it briefly, and I found it talked too much! I didn’t feel like it ‘got’ me – or at least not straightaway. But it was an interesting alternative to journalling – a bit like journalling to a person, but in a completely private space.

https://lotustherapist.com/ : this one is CBT based and when I tried it, it quickly asked me about thoughts and behaviours connected to certain feelings. But without paying, it often says it is at ‘maximum capacity’ right now, and you can’t continue.

https://abby.gg/ : this is a paid one – it lets you type/talk about a specific challenge, and after a short time, it gives you a Roadmap – a plan for a structured conversation that will last about an hour. If you want to progress to this conversation, you have to sign up – you get 7 days free, but will have to hand over payment details. I quite like this one, I didn’t progress to the Roadmap, but it was interesting to see its perspective on a useful way to proceed – and that this wasn’t the way I would have instinctively chosen to proceed.

What can a human offer that (for now at least!) an AI can’t?

At the core of any successful therapeutic process is the relationship, the connection between two humans—one with expertise in understanding emotions and the other with the lived experience of pain, hope, and struggle. And this is where true healing happens. When we are listened to with empathy and without judgment, our nervous systems settle, and we can begin to make sense of our inner turmoil.

A human therapist doesn’t just apply techniques; they engage with us as real people, seeing beyond our symptoms to the emotional landscape that shapes our experience. This authentic connection is the foundation for personal growth, creating a space where we feel safe to explore difficult feelings and change patterns that have been holding us back.

One of the most unique aspects of working with a human therapist is the opportunity for “rupture and repair”. A rupture is a misunderstanding, a missed connection, or even a mistake. It could be something as simple as a therapist misreading your emotions or responding in a way that doesn’t resonate with you.

In a healthy therapeutic relationship, these ruptures are not signs of failure but opportunities. The process of repair—whether through discussing what went wrong, expressing hurt feelings, or clarifying misunderstandings—allows you to practice vulnerability, assertiveness, and emotional resilience. It’s in these moments that you get to see how to restore trust, rebuild connection, and navigate the complexities of human relationships. In fact, these moments of rupture and repair often mirror real-life, offering a safe space to learn more about how we manage our relationships, and to practice skills for outside the therapy room.

I asked ChatGPT (the free version) what it thought:

While AI may continue to play a role in mental health support, it’s clear that human therapists bring something irreplaceable to the table: empathy, authenticity, and the ability to form real, relational bonds. Therapy isn’t just about learning skills; it’s about transforming your relationship with yourself and others, which can only happen in a space where mistakes are made, repaired, and learned from.

Human therapists aren’t perfect, but that imperfection is where the magic happens. It’s in the messy, imperfect moments that we practice how to handle real-life conflicts, emotional challenges, and interpersonal growth. The relationship itself is the healing process.

If you’re looking for a therapeutic experience that can truly transform your life, a human counsellor is the one who can walk with you through the complexities of your emotional world, offering not just strategies, but understanding, growth, and most importantly—connection.

Counselling and ADHD

I recently completed a training course all about ADHD and supporting adult clients with ADHD.

While the main focus was on adults, one module was about ADHD in children, and how to support them through school. As I was listening, the speaker noted that a lot of children who would now be diagnosed with A.D.H.D. were instead diagnosed as B.A.D. I was worried – what did the B and A stand for in this new ‘disorder’ that I had never heard of? It took me quite a while to realise that the speaker was saying that a lot of children who have ADHD are often thought of as bad, or naughty, children.

An adult with ADHD might well remember that the way they were as children annoyed adults, they were judged to be ‘bad’ children, and told that they were difficult or a problem. Now as adults, they are in many ways the same as they were as children, but it is their own internal voice that is criticising them inside their own heads.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I wish it wasn’t called a Disorder, as it’s a way some brains work. However, the Disorder part of the name does give us an idea that having this type of brain can make life more difficult – as some of the behaviours that we value in our societies are particularly hard for someone with ADHD.

The Attention Deficit part of the name sounds like it means that people with ADHD can’t pay attention to things – when in fact, someone with ADHD will likely know that they can pay so much attention to certain things that they’ll be unable to do almost anything else! It might only be the boring things that they can’t pay attention to. And the Hyperactivity part of the name reminds us that in the past we thought of ADHD as being what was wrong with the children who couldn’t sit still for any length of time, and some people with ADHD might have noticed that they prefer to be moving in some way if possible.

Some of the experts on my course said that a better way to think of ADHD is as difficulty with Time – people with ADHD might typically think of Now and Not Now, and other times, especially future times, don’t feel very important, interesting or real. Some experts talked about ADHD being a difficulty with Executive Functioning – which is a pretty broad array of things we do in our brains, and includes self awareness, inhibition, working memory, emotional regulation, planning and problem solving. And others focussed more on the need for more ‘dopamine hits’ in the brain for someone with ADHD – so someone with ADHD might find that they are attracted to something immediately distracting because it will satisfy their brain, as they get a hit of dopamine, a ‘feel good’ neurotransmitter, released.

If you are someone with ADHD, maybe one of these ways of thinking about it feels more right for you than the others, or maybe none of them are quite right. Perhaps a mixture suits you and your brain. I wonder if you have an internal critical voice in your head though that rejects these ideas, and instead is insisting that you are the problem, that there is something wrong with you, and that you are a bad person. That wouldn’t be uncommon, as these are the messages we have been given all our lives: good people are organised, sit still, don’t get distracted, do the things on their To Do list, tidy up after themselves, start tasks and finish them… the list could go on and on. It might take a conscious effort to establish an alternative list for yourself: good people are kind, helpful, listen to their friends, give compliments, have time for others… again, this list could also go on and on!

Getting to know what your particular challenges are can be helpful – and you could approach this as an investigator or an observer, someone who is gathering information about what works for you, what is easy for you, and the opposite. Once you know a bit about what you’re like, and what your brain responds to, hopefully you’ll find some strategies, tips and tricks that will help you with your every day life. Something that counselling, or journaling, or exploring personal development with a friend can help with, is learning to accept what your brain is like. If you can find ways to give yourself the unconditional love that you deserve, and to quiet that internal critic, these strategies might make more sense, and life with ADHD may well become a lot easier.

Some resources that might be helpful:

https://add.org/resources/ The Attention Deficit Disorder Association

https://www.adhdadult.uk/resources/ ADHD Adult UK

https://www.self.com/story/adult-adhd-resources Blog post with a ton of links

https://adhduk.co.uk/adhd-useful-resources/ ADHD UK

Season’s greetings

Sometimes a change in the season can spark old memories and the feelings associated with them.

Autumn is definitely here up in Edinburgh. Over half of the leaves on the lime trees on my street have changed colour to a yellowy-gold, and even though it has been sunny, it has also been cold, and the second storm of the season has arrived.

This autumn is reminding me of last autumn, and autumns before that. I’m thinking of autumn weekends travelling to see the leaves in the past decade, and before that, autumns in countries where the weather didn’t change much; and even before that, as a child when autumn meant conkers and kicking piles of leaves. But I notice I’m feeling a lot of sadness as well, which doesn’t really make sense. Until I realise that most of all, I’m being reminded of autumns with my much loved old dog Daisy, walking through the leaves with her, or going on forest walks with her in all the colours of autumn. These are happy memories, but I feel sad that those times are past, that she’s not with me any more – she died in January. Maybe this time of year will always remind me of her, colouring the season with grief.

The sights, smells and sounds of autumn can bring back feelings that were around in the past. We might find ourselves feeling sad, and work out that it’s because the last time the leaves turned, we were feeling really alone. If we had a painful conversation or received some bad news while crunching through autumn leaves, we might feel those same feelings next time we crunch through leaves. These feelings might not immediately make sense – it can sometimes take time to catch up. One way to help yourself understand what is happening, is to journal. Spend some time with your journal, reflecting on what is happening in the natural world around you, and any feelings you can identify.

So autumn might be bringing up feelings from the past, as your senses recognise the new season. You might also notice that the reminder of time passing is leading you to reflect on how our pasts and presents interact. We might compare past and present autumns, or wonder how we travelled from that past autumn to this present one. We might be prompted to worry about future autumns: where will we be next year when the leaves are turning? Some of these thoughts might be helpful, some of them not so much. When we find our thoughts to be a long way from the present, I wonder if we can find an ability to pause for a moment, mentally step away and check on what’s going on. Something that might help you learn how to pause is a meditation or mindfulness practice.

If you are experiencing unexpected feelings, especially if they don’t really make sense, I wonder if they are old ones. Maybe something about the change of season is reminding you of a past time like this, and the feelings of that time are reappearing. You might like to do some journaling about what’s going on, or talk to a friend. Of course, counselling can help as well – therapy sessions can be great places to explore our feelings and memories, and the intersection of past present and future that memory-jolters can sometimes take us to.

Under pressure – deadlines and me.

I just heard my first reference to Christmas – someone saying it’s only a few months away, so they are starting planning for it now. As well as a feeling of surprise that so much of this year has already passed, I also noticed a feeling of ‘under pressure’. I’m not someone who does a lot of anything for Christmas, so it’s not something I need to be thinking about or worrying about just now, but that mention of the time limit, the deadline, was enough to spark a little feeling of panic in my body.

For me, someone who finds feelings of safety in rules and following the rules, a deadline can be something exhilarating: I like to know the parameters, I can write them in my diary and think about what needs to be done. A deadline means there’s an end, so I’d better get started! But there’s also a panic: what if I forget to do anything, what if I’m going about the task the wrong way? What if I complete the task by the deadline, but I do it wrong, and I fail? What if I miss the deadline entirely? A lot of ‘what ifs’ pop up for me when I’m faced with a deadline. I might even find they can swim around in my thoughts for a while – for longer than I would like – leaving my body with that feeling of panic and worry.

I do know what to do when faced with a deadline and these feelings that go along with it. For me, planning helps, writing things down on paper feels reassuring. Breaking tasks down into steps and small chunks works for me. When I am really struggling with getting things done, I set myself short timers and work on the task for a minimum of, let’s say, five minutes. I might carry on after then, or I might not. I keep the end goal in the front of my mind – and at the top of my written plans. These are the practical things that work for me.

Doing the practical things helps the feelings as well – my body is soothed as it recognises I am taking care of things. But I might also need to devote some additional time to other soothing activities to support my physical feelings. For me, this is more yoga (Yoga with Adriene of course!) and more listening to talks and meditations from Tara Brach. More sitting in the garden listening to insects and birds. More walks in the countryside, feeling the air on my skin. Doing these things builds up my feelings of safety, calmness and joy. It means I can more easily be kind to myself when I don’t tick anything off my list of plans. I can more easily reassure myself when the worrying thoughts reappear.

I wonder what you are like when it comes to deadlines? Do you know what your feelings are around them? And do you know what helps soothe you if you’re worried or thinking about them too much?

Doing a bit of self exploration around deadlines and the feelings can be really helpful – you might find out what deadlines mean to you, and why. You might experiment with different ways of getting things done, and in doing so, realise what actually works for you. You can do this exploration alone, with a trusted friend, or through journaling. You could also do it with a counsellor – someone who is going to listen carefully as you explain what it’s like for you.

If you do decide to seek a counsellor to help you with deadlines, and anything else you’ve got going on, have a look at my previous posts with advice about how to go about finding a good match for you.

Good luck!

Getting started with meditation when you don’t expect to enjoy it

If you’ve done any research (and by research I might just mean googling) about mental health, you’ll probably have seen the advice to ‘do meditation’. You might be aware that meditating regularly can really benefit us in many different ways, and you might want to enjoy some of these benefits yourself. But – like so many things – it can feel really difficult to actually get started. As well as getting started, you might also have the idea that to meditate you need to sit in quite an uncomfortable position for absolutely ages. If you have ever tried to meditate, the experience might have left you feeling that you didn’t do it right, that it was too hard and something ‘not for you’.

I’m sharing this post because I recently had a bit of a meditation breakthrough around whether meditation should be difficult, or uncomfortable – or both.

I recently did a short five day meditation course that came free with the Yoga With Adriene app. Yoga With Adriene is free on YouTube – you’ll find hundreds of yoga videos there, and there are also some meditation videos too. I pay monthly for the Find What Feels Good app (it’s about £9/month), which offers me some videos that don’t go on YouTube. Paying for the app is a way for me to make sure I do yoga more regularly, and to support the fantastic free resources. In July, the additional resources included a short meditation course with the teacher Light Watkins. He introduced me to a different attitude to meditating, one where you sit as comfortably as you can, and where you really enjoy the meditation! He says that it’s ok to fidget, or need to scratch an itch, or to find your thoughts going all over the place. He explains it briefly here.

Having had this breakthrough myself, I wanted to share with you some ideas that might support you to start meditating.

In my experience, the main benefit of meditation is the experience of a quiet mind. If you sometimes feel anxious or have anxiety, meditating might offer you just a moment’s peace – and in the middle of a busy mind, just a moment might feel as valuable as gold. And if you can experience one moment’s peace, perhaps in future you’ll experience two moments, and maybe it could grow from there. Meditating is also great practice for focusing on yourself. If you’re someone who’s always rushing around doing things for others, meditation might be your gateway into putting yourself first – again, perhaps for just a moment. And if you take care of yourself well, then you’ll have more resources available to care for all those other people in your life.

If you decide to give meditation a try, you might want to start by listening to a guided meditation. This is where you listen to someone talking from an app or a podcast or YouTube. I’d recommend you choose something that’s 5 minutes or less to start with. Get yourself comfortable and cosy. Close the door and put your phone on silent. Tell the people around you that you are not to be disturbed. For some people, doing this in the bathroom might be the only way you are guaranteed to be left alone! If that’s you, do make yourself as comfy as you can. Then plug in your headphones, and off you go. And you don’t have to worry about sitting still, or fidgeting, or thinking about other things. Most guided meditations will explain that of course you’ll think about other things – when you realise that’s what happening, you can just re-focus on the voice again, or pay attention to your breath again. However you turn up in your meditation is welcome. You can’t go wrong – however you do it, you are doing it right.

If you don’t want to listen to a guided meditation, again, get yourself as comfy as you can, in a private space. Set a timer for a really short time – 3 minutes? 5 minutes? Sit comfortably, and pay attention to your breathing. And just do that until the timer goes off. When your thoughts wander, no problem, just pay attention to your breathing again.

Below are some resources that might be helpful to you (- but this is not an exhaustive list), and a short meditation from Goodful on YouTube. Good luck with it. I hope you enjoy meditating.

And if you don’t enjoy it – simply don’t do it: go for a walk, call a friend or do something else nourishing for you instead.

the Headspace app

the Calm app

information from the charity ‘Mind’

NHS bedtime meditation

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/inpok4MKVLM?si=0zZifWYNajLPv9bY

Starting Counselling

The whole process of starting counselling is really daunting. If it’s your first time, you might be wondering how to start counselling. Read on for information about what you can expect:

A good place to look for a counsellor is the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) and that’s because the counsellors on this directory have done an accredited course, and have committed to working to an ethical code of practice. Start here, at their Find a Therapist Directory.

Once you have identified a few you’d like to work with, get in touch and ask for some information about how to get started with them. Some counsellors will meet you for free for a short or full session; others will start in a different way. Find out if they are available at the times you are free, and double check you understand their pricing.

Hopefully you’ll be able to meet a few, and then you are nearly there! These first meetings will give you an idea of what sort of counsellor is going to work best for you. Remember, the counselling sessions are for you, and this really is time to put yourself first. And noticing how easy or hard it is to prioritise your needs might be a good place to start the work!

If you’re someone who likes to know what’s coming and to gather information before you do something, you might like to read a bit more about the process of finding a counsellor, I’ve written about this topic before – you can see more advice here ‘How to find a counsellor‘, and here ‘New (academic) year, new you‘.

And BACP have produced a great video about what to expect from the start of counselling. Hopefully after watching, the process won’t feel quite as daunting. Good luck!

Managing Confrontation

I was out for a walk this morning, and had what felt like a confrontation. It went well, but I felt awful afterwards, and that got me thinking…

My confrontation this morning was with a stranger, it went well – in the sense we both understood each other and reached a kind of agreement, and I was clear about what my opinion was without being rude. While it was happening, I felt calm and was able to make eye contact and smile, and to listen to them.

But as I walked away from this conversation, I was aware that I felt bad: heavy and uncomfortable physically, a bit tearful, a bit panicky, a childlike feeling of wanting to just go home and hide. And at the same time, I was curious about all this. Intellectually, I knew the conversation had gone well, I hadn’t said or done anything to feel ashamed of, and I didn’t have a sense that I had enraged or upset the other person. But physically and emotionally, it certainly didn’t feel like it had gone well.

I carried on my walk, feeling around these feelings and wondering what was going on. And part of that wondering was around how typical this experience is. I know confrontation is very difficult for a lot of us, and some of us will prioritise avoiding confrontation in a way we really rather wouldn’t. So I’m thinking about the experience of unpleasant confrontations, and also about the experience of having feelings take me by surprise.

We can explore what’s around for us about confrontation – you can do this yourself journalling, or in conversation with friends, or in counselling with a therapist. Thus we might know why we don’t like it – are we reminded of confrontations in the past? have we learnt some rules around who is allowed to speak up and who isn’t? do we struggle with self confidence? is it all confrontations we don’t like, or only particular ones?Exploring what is going on and gaining a better understanding of ourselves can be really helpful intellectually, and can give us insight into our feelings. We might then be able to pay attention to those feelings, and understand what’s going on.

But then what to do with those sometimes horrible feelings? Maybe we don’t have to do anything with them but acknowledge them, and speak to ourselves kindly about them. Working with a therapist in counselling can be a good place to share these feelings, and to practice that internal self compassion.

Perhaps something I can take from my experience with confrontation today is that, while I can handle them in the moment, I might also expect to feel some feelings afterwards. The best thing for me to do then is to approach myself gently and kindly. I wonder if we all have certain soft spots inside. We can do a lot of personal development work on these soft spots, and get to know them really well, but this won’t necessarily protect us from feeling tender when our soft spots are touched.

If you are thinking about a soft spot you would like to explore in a safe place, seeking out a counsellor might be something worth doing. Good luck.

Feelings at Springtime

Depending on where you are in the world, you might currently be enjoying springtime. Here in Edinburgh the days are already so much longer and lighter, nearly all the trees are in bud if not in leaf, and seedlings are sprouting all over the place.

What impact does all this activity, new life and energy have on you? Does it give you some extra get up and go, are you getting round to doing things that had only been a plan so far this year? Does the optimism of nature around you make you feel optimistic too? Maybe the long winter of slowness was just right for you to compost, and with the sunshine, higher temperatures and activity all around you, you are bursting with energy yourself!

Or have you been taken by surprise by some feelings of melancholy and fatigue? Maybe you can’t find any spring in your step, and are feeling sad, heavy or low. The German language has a word for this feeling:

Frühlingsmüdigkeit

It means ‘Spring Tiredness’ – and there’s even a Wikipedia page about the feeling – find it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Springtime_lethargy

As well as feeling uncomfortable, you might also be wondering what’s going on with you. It might not seem to make sense: you’ve been waiting for spring through the dark, cold winter months, and maybe there were things you were looking forward to. But now it’s here, none of those things seem appealing. Feeling low wasn’t part of your spring plan for yourself. As well as this mismatch between the nature around you, it might also be quite lonely to feel sad at this time of year. It’s ok to share how hard winter is emotionally, but there isn’t much open talk about any negative feelings in springtime.

So, what to do if you are experiencing something like ‘spring tiredness’? If you know what activities often help you to feel better, it might be worth trying one or some. But you might not feel up to this. Talking to someone often helps, perhaps there’s someone you could call. If you don’t feel like speaking to a friend, then google organisations near you that have a free telephone listening service.

If you are feeling low or sad, or something like that, it might be familiar to you – maybe from other spring times, maybe from other times. When you read about ‘spring tiredness’, you might recognise your own experience, or you might realise that your experience in fact is something different. You might want to work through these feelings with a counsellor, a trained professional who’s there alongside you.

Whatever you decide to do, always remember to treat yourself softly and gently, and to speak to yourself in the kindest way you can.

Jessica Tett Counselling

Counselling, Psychotherapy, and Wellbeing